Mother's Death and reassimilation of baby Self

Submitted by: lotusgaze Date of experience: Nov 24 2009 Experience Type(s): Dream

I am on a subway and in the seats before me are two gangster men (who seem very similar to each other, like twins) with guns in thier pockets, they are arguing and ready to kill each other. The other people and myself repeatedly cringe and hunker down in their seats when the drama gets heated, we are waiting for the blast of the gunshot, tying to stay prepared for it, knowing it's coming. I feel that I wish they would do it already, get it over with. At some point an african american woman ahead of them turns around and says something, I am aware that she is the girlfriend of one of them. However, the scene ends and in the space in between this and the next scene I hear in my head "One of them did something even worse to get back at the other, he killed the girlfriend." (I feel my dreammaker protected me from such a gruesome scene, I already awoke breathing fast despite the "censored" version) I am then in a large hall that I understand is her funeral. I see a little girl about 2 years old, she is running to me super happy and sparkly. With gut wrenching sadness I realize she is the little girl of the dead woman and feel mourning for her. However, she jumps in my arms and squeezes me so tight. We turn and there are other infants and puppies coming in the front doorway and we are playing with them (I hear it mentioned that she is the "first girl"). I look out the door and on the roof of the next building are the words "Love You" in those white cutout Hollywood style letters.

This dream came after doing a huge emotional release about my mother. I feel two shadow selves, (who may be in a standoff between each other) killed her aspect of me and this allowed me to reintegrate my infant self. I realized that I didn't have much opportunity to play with other babies and fun things like puppies. My mother was very depressed and isolated. I was the first female grandchild and grew up in a household of four adults. My socialization was thus not so much play but learning how to stay out of the adults' way and be good. Now I have the capacity to play with the others and know that I am loved.